Nov05

#loveis

This post continues my last one about abusive relationships. Feel free to read it for some context for this one.

While I was in that abusive relationship, I was pressured into the mentality that if a friend can’t deliver a request of mine, that friend is not worth having because he/she obviously doesn’t give a damn about me or is doing it purposefully to spite me out of jealousy or some other thingamajig. One time I shared a story about how a friend was moving and asked a bunch of people to help her because her boyfriend couldn’t make it. Boy, the reaction I got was intense:

What kind of boyfriend is that? If he was a proper boyfriend he would drop everything to make himself available. He obviously doesn’t care about her at all. He is supposed to schedule her moving day based on his availability then make all his friends help. Otherwise why date him? That’s what boyfriends are for.

We are humans, not machines. We break down. We can’t do everything for everybody. And we most certainly are not obligated to. We do things out of love, not out of necessity or to please others. I also think it’s better to do something for everybody than do everything for somebody. Love is an emotion to be shared, not to be reserved for any one person.

Also I’m 100% sure the boyfriend loves his girlfriend very much. And not being able to help her move is not even related.

So what is love then? Love is so great, but it can be contained into little things around us. Love is:

  1. a full-time job, so you can’t just love when you feel like it and stop when you’re tired.
  2. when you send a little message to an old friend asking them how they are.
  3. when you give a friend a gift for absolutely no reason at all.
  4. when you make a friend’s birthday special, even if it’s just a personal message.
  5. when you wish happy birthday to someone you don’t even know well.
  6. when you playfully argue with your friend ’til no tomorrow.
  7. when your friend tries to fight your battles for you.
  8. when you and your friend casually flirt back and forth with no intentions.
  9. when you don’t stay mad at a friend who has done something upsetting by accident.
  10. when your friend takes your lines seriously and makes them memorable moments.
  11. when you want to watch your little friends grow into big strong men and women.
  12. when you tell a friend to call you in the middle of the night if they need you.
  13. when you pay attention to people in need whether or not you know them.
  14. when you don’t need to tell your friends you love them because they know.
  15. when all the times your friend couldn’t be there for you don’t matter, because all the times your friend made it are so precious.

Don’t count everything that didn’t happen. Treasure everything that did.

Write a Comment

11 Comments to "#loveis"

Tara wrote on 5th November 2015 at 4:32 AM

Liv, this is a great post. Those are some good examples of love, and how they can be something we can do for our friends, families, and other people we care about. Sometimes it’s the little gestures and actions that matter more. Like when I get a “I hope you’re having a good day” message out of the blue from a friend really warms my heart. Or when I get a “This post reminded me of you” or something. Heck, even when someone initiate something for a change, that makes my day!

Sometimes we cannot be there for our loved ones, and that’s okay. Reading that example of how the boyfriend couldn’t help his girlfriend move . . . well, if he can’t make it, then there’s probably a real damn good reason for it, and it’s not the end of the world. In the end, what matters it that they are there for us when we are in need of someone we love.

Thank you for writing this post, Liv!

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Kristine wrote on 5th November 2015 at 11:24 AM

I used to have the tendency to take things too personally when it comes to friendship, like when a friend can’t deliver a request of mine, I start to think I’m not really a friend of theirs. But’s just me being cynical and pessimistic and not understanding. I realized that that was a way of me being selfish.

I really appreciate this post, thank you for posting it. It’s very inspiring and I hope I can learn from this and break away from being negative. I agree that it’s usually the little things that prove love exists.

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Pauline wrote on 6th November 2015 at 3:42 PM

This is such a great post, Liv. I’ve been sharing it with some of my friends, it’s SO true and needed to be read by a lot of people. “Don’t count everything that didn’t happen. Treasure everything that did.” THIS. THIS IS SOMETHING PEOPLE NEED TO REALISE.

Thank you Liv!

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Kya wrote on 7th November 2015 at 1:02 AM

I really like the way that you have described what love is, because they are so on point. Love is shared in many different ways and not just between people in a relationship.

I would honestly never expect anyone to drop everything just to help and I think it’s horrible that people commented on that post with a lot of negativity, and were dictating how the relationship should be lived. They should all take a moment to read this post and have a good think!

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Kenny wrote on 9th November 2015 at 12:03 PM

This is something I’ve been struggling with when it comes to friendships. My friendships have always been one-sided in terms of me overvaluing the friendship and the other person undervaluing it. I have no regrets in terms of what I’ve done for my friends, but it does hurt when it’s not reciprocated.

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Michelle wrote on 10th November 2015 at 8:31 PM

Hugs

I was more insecure about my relationship with my ex, but luckily, he apologized for being an ass during our time in between. It is a shame that we fell out of love, but then it’s not. I found the love of my life afterwards. Because of my trauma and my personality, I was insecure about relationships/friendships and took things personally. Now, I don’t.

I grew up and got around my insecurities. Most of them anyhow.

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tiff k wrote on 11th November 2015 at 8:56 AM

Hi! Bloghopper here 🙂

I love your last line “Don’t count everything that didn’t happen. Treasure everything that did.”

Man, those are powerful words. We’re always stuck in the “What if he did just….” or “What could have happened if…” and end up regretting or wishing for a lot of things when everything that we need is just in front of us or are there. Love is definitely something that is hard to define but this list can help explain it a bit. Love I think is all about being kind and being good. It is pure .

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Georgie wrote on 17th November 2015 at 5:12 AM

This reminds me of my ‘What is love’ project I did a few years back. I collected a lot of responses and displayed them as a rotating quote. Then the next year I liked the theme a lot so I did a ‘Love is’ one the year after that. There are so many things that people can describe as love, even small things that put a smile on someone’s face. When someone has expectations or ‘requirements’ of someone who loves them, or even like in your example where someone thought a boyfriend should drop everything to help his girl… it sounds quite demanding, and more than that, it sounds selfish. One must also care for his or her self, which I personally believe is important in understanding how to love someone else.

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Ree wrote on 18th November 2015 at 10:04 AM

This was a beautiful post about healthy love. I’ve read somewhere that love is also a choice, not just an emotion. That’s why arranged marriages work and why parents can love their children till the end of time. Great work!

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Liv Reply:

Love is commitment and that’s why arranged marriages have worked for centuries. Just that now we all have our own ideas of what love is but at the end of the day it all goes back to the same thing: love is commitment!

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Cat wrote on 20th November 2015 at 11:54 PM

I loved this list 🙂 Some people don’t realize that love doesn’t mean letting another person completely take over your life. It’s not reasonable for someone to plan everything around another person. Even little things mean a lot and can build up to a really close relationship!

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